he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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