I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
