It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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