my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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