Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
