Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
