Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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