whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
