i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Drunk is a universal language darling
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize