White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Randomize
