how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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