I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
