last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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