We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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