I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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