ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
