even my farts smell like vagina
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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