Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
