why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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