Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
