The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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