Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
