but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
