my vag is so smooth its legendary
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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