dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
