i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
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