omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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