I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize