Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I have post one night stand depression
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