I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Ladies don't puke and tell
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
