one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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