Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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