im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
