I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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