I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
