Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
That was before I lit my hair on fire
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
