i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
