Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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