I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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