He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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