I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
