youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She needs sedatives and a leash
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Randomize
