Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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