I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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