you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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