i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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