chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I believe in your delicious
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
