Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
