respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
