bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
