I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
