grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize