What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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