so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
