Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
