I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
